10 Funniest Lines in “Slouch Witch” by Helen Harper

I read Slouch Witch by Helen Harper on a whim, and I’m so happy that I did. It’s an urban fantasy novel about Ivy Wilde who is the laziest witch you’ll ever meet. Because of a misunderstanding, she is forced to work with straight-laced Adeptus Exemptus Raphael Winter to solve a crime. As you might expect, shenanigans ensue and you’ve got yourself an adventure.

One of the best things about this book (and the entire The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Magic series for that matter), is the humour. I laughed so hard so many times, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt that way while reading. As this is the first book I’ve read from this author, that is not a bad thing.

In this post, I’ll be sharing the funniest lines from the first book. I made sure not to include anything that gives too much of the plot away, in case you haven’t read the series. Personally, I like reading quotes from the book beforehand because it tells me whether it’s worth the purchase.

That said, I did read this book without knowing anything about it. I think it wouldn’t have been such a fun experience for me if I had. So, read on at your own risk, my friends.

Haven’t read The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Magic series? Get them on Book Depository today!

1. Slouch Witch
2. Star Witch
3. Spirit Witch 

10 Best Quotes from “The Slouch Witch” by Helen Harper

Photo by Jessica Furtney via Unsplash

1. Ivy and a friend’s cat  

‘Harold,’ I called. ‘Harold! It’s Ivy from down the hall.’
The cat didn’t answer. Perhaps I was being too familiar with the familiar. I tried again. ‘Harold Fitzwilliam Duxworthy the Third? Are you there?’
There was a faint meow from the living room.

2. Ivy and Winter walking towards The Order

Winter and I strolled down the pavement towards the main doors. Well, I say strolled: I strolled and Winter marched. Still, it did afford me a very enjoyable view of his arse, which was a particularly tight and well-rounded specimen. He might have had a rod jammed up it but that didn’t mean I couldn’t appreciate the way it was put together.

3. Ivy and Winter after learning they’re stuck together

'The next three months are going to be so much fun, Adeptus Exemptus Winter,’ I responded.
His mouth tightened. ‘You don’t have to keep calling me that.’
I held up my palms. ‘Oh no, you said that’s how I have to address you so that’s what I’ll do. I’d hate to go against Order protocol. Maybe I should add in a curtsey at the end of each sentence. What do you think?’
‘That’s enough,’ he growled.

4. Ivy and her talking cat, Brutus.

He blinked at me. ‘Ears.’
I reached over and gave him the desired scratch. A deep purr throbbed from his throat. ‘More.’
I kept going.
‘More.’
‘I am thy servant,’ I told him, without a trace of irony.
His tail whipped suddenly from side to side ‘Stop, bitch.’

5. Ivy and her friend Iqbal

I scrunched up my face. ‘What do you want?’
Iqbal didn’t hesitate. ‘Karaoke.’
‘You bastard.’
I could virtually hear him grin ‘Minimum of two hours. At least three songs from you, one of which must be a duet with me.’
‘There must be something else. My life savings? My first-born? Anything?
‘Those are my terms.’
Damn him.

READ: Casting Cats in "The Lazy Girl's Guide to Magic" series by Helen Harper

6. Ivy, Winter, and the librarian, Maidmont

‘The library closes at ten?’
Maidmont nodded.
‘You have a thought, Ms Wilde?’ Winter asked.
‘I’m having several thoughts, Adeptus Exemptus Winter,’ I returned. ‘Who in their right mind is studying at ten o’clock at night?’

7. Ivy and Winter on their early morning meet up

I made it to the corner about twenty seconds before he pulled up. He stuck his head out of the window and blinked at me. ‘You’re here.’
I made a show of checking my watch-less wrist. ‘I’ve been waiting for at least fifteen minutes.’

8. Ivy and Winter after Ivy confesses bespelling the weights in the gym and now some heavy boxes

I paused. ‘Should I undo the spell on the boxes?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

9. Ivy and Winter theorising on the culprit’s identity

‘I changed my mind. It’s a  lady’s prerogative.’
Winter halted abruptly. Slowly, he turned towards me. ‘You… you’re a lady?’
Ha. Ha. Ha.

10. Ivy and Winter getting hot and bothered

He came closer. ‘You have a high need for cognitive stimulation. Others won’t provide it for you. Most jobs won’t either. So you fall back on the one person you can trust - yourself.’ He smiled. ‘But you’re enjoying this job. You’re stimulated now.’
I tilted my face up to his. ‘Well,’ I drawled, ‘you are standing very close.’

Final Thoughts

Slouch Witch is a very fun, light, and entertaining read. It’s a nice departure from the sort of books I’ve been reading lately (i.e. dark, serious, dramatic). Although I cannot relate to Ivy’s general laziness, I found her to be a hilarious character and I really enjoyed reading this series.

What’s your favourite line or scene from Slouch Witch? Let me know in the comments!